Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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