I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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