He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
