drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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