Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
