we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
and she was petting her beer can
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
