she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He passed out mid-signature
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
