she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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