i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
