We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
