apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
