My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
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