she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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