I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
