More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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