everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
there is puke in my bra ... again
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