I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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