there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
