this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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