I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
