I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
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