Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
