I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
