even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
