The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
