Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
