3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
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I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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