How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
