i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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