She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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