I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
