There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
