So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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