I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
