Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
