Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You're like the curious george of whores
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
