So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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