Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
