Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
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Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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