apparently the secret to your success is patron
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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