i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
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