He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
