she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
