i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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