she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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