i don't like sucking hair
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
