Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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