I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
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I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
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What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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