oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
