i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
