he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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