Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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