The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
