my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
