I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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