If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
