please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
