just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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