I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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