i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
