I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
