Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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