I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
